Today I'm sitting with myself and my memories of this day nine years ago. I'm choosing to be present with my feelings, the painful ones and the joyful ones.This is the anniversary of the day I received registered mail from the Custodian of Adoption Information. It contained a letter with the legal name, address, phone … Continue reading The Letter That Broke the Secrecy

If I could go back in time, 33 years ago today, and do that day all over again, I would not have walked away. I would not have left the hospital without my baby boy held securely in my arms.After having three days with my newborn son, the fateful day had come for me to … Continue reading If I Could Do That Day Over Again

One Saturday that first summer of our reunion, my husband and I, along with our two closest friends, made plans to spend the day in Toronto. We were going to meet up with our oldest son and their oldest daughter, who both lived in the city. This would be the first time our dearest friends … Continue reading The Body Keeps the Score

A few weeks after my son's homecoming in February 2015, he would have his 25th birthday. I was so excited to be able to celebrate his birthday with him for the very first time. I always thought about him on his birthday, and it was always a hard day. I remembered my labour and delivery, … Continue reading Breaking Open the Hurt Places

In my dream, I’m in a busy, crowded place. There are people all around, yet no one seems to see me. I have two of my children with me, pushing the baby in a stroller with one hand. While pulling the older one in a wagon behind me with the other hand. I’m inside a … Continue reading A Light in the Crack

 Seven years ago today I was excitedly preparing for the arrival of my firstborn. For the first time, my son would be coming home. I could never have imagined the depth of my emotions or the love I would feel for this adult son, a genetic stranger, whom I had never met before. It was … Continue reading Homecoming

The science of how new life begins is fascinating. The way a woman’s body recognizes the tiny embryo inside of her, and how it begins to change to support the pregnancy. The way her hormones, blood, and cells all work together simultaneously, and instinctively know what to do to feed and grow this new life … Continue reading The Making of a Birth Mother

My oldest daughter had her first baby a few months ago. He is so precious and looks very much like his mama. Being with the two of them brought back memories of when his mama was a newborn. She is the second of my four children, but my first kept baby. The pregnancy I didn't … Continue reading Unexpected Triggers

I grieve deeply for you, my nineteen year-old self. For how vulnerable and alone you were. Isolated and afraid. A victim of self-condemnation and guilt as irrational thoughts and lies swirled around in your head: you weren’t good enough; unworthy of motherhood; another couple was more deserving of your baby; that was your punishment. Consequently, … Continue reading Dear Younger Me